happy?

sometimes i wonder why some people just seem so happy.
am I not normal for not being the same way?
its like i dont ever remember reaching that sense of great joy in my life.
Dont get me wrong, i have a great home, good family, and a God that has always been with me..

BUT WHY?

why have i always struggled to find my happiness?
i remember a couple years back when i would cry for hours at a time and just feel sad. You know
the kinda sad that you can literally feel a pain in your heart, and when you get this knot in your
throat before you begin to cry?
well yeah, that was me.

Sometimes i still cry. i still cry because thats just not normal.
i prefer to be alone because no one else understands me.


the other day my bf and i got into an argument, and i was actually getting pretty mad.
My mom sat next to me, and asked me how happy i was with him.
truthfully, i dont really know.

i love him. I love him like ive never loved anyone before but i just dont feel like he treats me the way i want to be treated. the way i DESERVE to be treated. I want a guy who calls me beautiful, who surprises me with sweet things, i dont care about gifts,but once in a FUCKIN BLUE MOON wouldnt hurt anyone. nothin fancy, just a freakin flower or a card or something that shows me that youre thinkin about me.

like ive been with plenty of assholes who even them and theyre assholish ways would come out of nowhere and surprise me out the blue.

i want a guy who wants to go out and do things with me. walk around, go out to eat, spend quality time and make some good memories for our relationship.

is that so hard to ask for>?!>!?
i shouldnt have to tell you to do something. YOU should do it yourself, from the bottom of YOUR heart, not from a page of my dreams.

but you wouldnt understand that. you never do.